Mystic Pizza (1988)

Has anyone ever been in the situation where you had go "number two"? Of course you have. I'm not talking about an every day, consistent, bowel movement. I'm talking about being in a situation where you had to take the biggest shit of your life. You know what I'm talking about....

You are sitting there in a public place, like work or school, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, it happens. BAM! It hits you. The plaguing, agonizing, spasm of strenuous pain builds up inside of you. The type of pain that is so excruciating, when you try and ignore it, you start to whimper. The sheer thought of using a public restroom terrifies you to point of delusion so you start talking to yourself. You start thinking about how you would rather take a bullet in the genitals or become possessed by a murderous demon in hope that it will eat your heart with razor sharp, poisionous teeth, while taking the biggest demonic dump on your liver. However, as wonderful as those thoughts sound, the bottom line is your bowels are about to explode and you have to do something because a BM is imminent. You end up taking a few deep breaths while squeezing your ass cheeks together, hoping that the dreadful feeling will pass as your giant poop log starts to "prairie dog". As your juicy turd contiunes to bob up and down, you can't do anything but accept the fact that fecal matter is slowly oozing in your underwear. After realizing you have no other choice but to use the dreaded public facility, you walk hastily to the nearest bathroom stall and slam yourself onto the filthy object I like to call a commode, sending steaming, bubbly, volcanic shit lava destructively into the toilet water, forcing a cataclysmic explosion of feces infested toilet water to splash back up...Harry Dunne style of course. After the euphoric satisfaction of relieving yourself, just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you look down at your BVD's and it looks like chocolate cake mix invaded your underwear. Feeling humiliated, you end up wrapping your underwear in toilet paper and throwing them in the trash on your way out of the bathroom to embark on the rest of your shitty (no pun intended) day.

That is the type of "number two" I was referring to when I asked if anyone has ever been in that situation. Don't lie. We've all been there.

Anyway, my heroic defecation story is what it felt like while watching the first 84 minutes of "Mystic Pizza". Don't get me wrong, the movie was not that bad. It's a typical chick flick that takes place in a small town in Connecticut revolving around three teenage females and their romantic endeavors with three different males. Julia Roberts, one of the three female leads, was looking very hot at a young 21 years old. Other than that, the movie was a total grind. I sat through 84 minutes of pure hell before we got to Matt Damon in his first movie appearance. It was almost comical seeing him in that yellow and gray striped rugby shirt at a young 18 years old. His single line of dialogue, "Mom, do you want my green stuff", produced a small chuckle from me. However, the best part about that scene was when Julia Roberts' character was insulted at the dinner table by the lead male character's family, which resulted in the lead male to retaliate and attack all his relatives for being egotistical, racist stubborn jerks. As this was happening, a young Matt Damon croaked the most obnoxious laugh which caused me to spit Gatorade all over myself. I know that sounds stupid but it just happened out of nowhere. Totally took me by surprise.

Matt Damon's first appearance in a movie lasted about six seconds. I spent 84 minutes of my life watching a movie I would have never considered seeing. For what? Six seconds? Was I pissed? Not at all. Even though I have never been closer to hell in those first 84 minutes, it was worth seeing a young Damon in that capacity. I'm just glad it's over and I can focus on Damon's more prominent movies.

"Mystic Pizza" overall grade: D

The next movie on my list is "School Ties".

Introduction

Matt Damon is one of Hollywood's top 35 grossing actors of all time. He is an Academy Award winning writer as well as an Academy Award nominated actor. He has received multiple award nominations for his film performances and has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Damon has been known to choose a wide variety of roles in his career and this versatility is why he is my favorite actor of all time. The guy has been all over the place from roles in low budget experimental films like "Gerry" to major films such "Saving Private Ryan", "Ocean's Eleven", and "The Bourne Ultimatum".

I have decided to spend the next three months to watch every single credited Damon film and write about them. I am not doing this because I feel I have what it takes to be a qualified movie critic. I am not doing this because I want a huge conglomerate of readers. I am doing this merely for my personal satisfaction. I am a huge fan of Damon and I want to be able to say I have seen all of his films. One thing I greatly admire about Mr. Damon is the fact that through all of his success, he has taken time to focus on his philanthropy and has done a tremendous job.

I think it will be fun to give each movie a grade. This standard for grades has been set below.

Grade A: Worthy to join my vast DVD collection
Grade B: Good movie; Rewatchable; Just not good enough to purchase on DVD
Grade C: Good movie; not rewatchable; not good enough to purchase on DVD
Grade D: Bad movie; not rewatchable; not good enough to purchase on DVD
Grade F: Absolutely horrible